fringe festival jokes

...as emailed to me by a friend:

Q: Who are the most decent people in the hospital?
A: The ultrasound people.

A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day.. She
said, "Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?
I said, "All right, but we won't get much done."

I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a
goat.

My dad is Irish and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most
of our family holidays in Customs.

Sleeping with prostitutes is like making your cat dance with you on
its hind legs. You know it's wrong, but you try to convince yourself that
they're enjoying it as well.

You have to remember all the trivia that your girlfriend tells you,
because eventually you get tested. She'll go: "What's my favourite
flower?" And you murmur to yourself: "$hit, I wasn't listening ...
Self-raising?"

The world is a dangerous place; only yesterday I went into Boots and
punched someone in the face.

Cats have nine lives. Which makes them ideal for experimentation.

Got a phone call today to do a gig at a fire station. Went along.
Turned out it was a bloody hoax.

The Butler Report is the political equivalent of saying, "Leave it out
lads, we've all had a drink".

Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a
winner and a loser at the same time.

I enjoy using the comedy technique of self-deprecation - but I'm not
very good at it.

If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a
tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire.
They're trained for that.