(if you get bored at any point there's a paragraph at the bottom that sums up what we did today! pics to follow)
i have often considered that our culture expects our children to be far more social that 'natural' at an early age. we accept the 'clingy' phase as if it is some truth simply because the majority of kids go through it.
i remember at nursery the staff peeling a child from my arms because the child didn't want to leave me and me feeling between a rock and a hard place because no one at the nursery empathised with my view that my child was just letting me know that he wasn't ready and that was fine with me (although in reality, struggling with the difficulties of pregnancy i found myself making huge compromises and walking away from a crying child because i felt so unable to keep giving when i felt so crap). now i wish i could turn back the time on that. both my boys have generally been fairly social but also making it clear when they feel unable to be in a social environment. for a long time i didn't realise robin's aggression was his way of saying 'i need mummy to intervene/rescue/comfort me' and that is sad for me.
looking at robin now we have lots of thoughts and wondering about him and how he is socially - what others expect of him and what he can manage. on the RU site today someone had posted a reply to a thread and said the following which really turned a light on for me:
I think with any child, autistic or not, it's good to look at things from the mindset that they might have sensory issues and their social skills and understanding of situations are not fully developed yet. That's true for all kids: their nervous systems are immature and they just haven't been on Earth that long. Autistic kids have more trouble with this stuff, but all kids can have sensory overload (adults too, but kids get it more often) and they're all still learning social skills and empathy. I think it's something all parents should keep in mind.
for along time now God keeps calling me back to a place of trust. LOVE TRUSTS. trusting God, trusting myself, trusting andy, trusting the kids, trusting others. not blind trust such as leaving my kids with a stranger but trusting that my children/husband/myself is always trying their hardest at any given time. i've been reflecting recently on this thought that at any given time my boys are trying their hardest. in a culture of high behavioural expectation and high social expectation it is a challenge not to slip into regularly practiced coercive and controlling parenting. examples would be directing my child to say hello/goodbye when they are choosing not to. telling my child to share when that child has choice and my response could be to support the other child for whom disappointment is now their reality.
further thoughts on the reflection of trust is our response to our children when accidents happen. a child knocks a bottle of milk onto the floor and it smashes. so often parents, including me, respond without thought and give the child a lesson in being more careful, thinking of what they are about to do before they do it, waste of food, danger of broken glass on floor etc etc. i have caught myself doing things such as this on a number of occasions and in the last few months i have tried to observe myself and catch my response so that instead of the above i respond as if my best friend was visiting and had done the same thing. if my best friend came over and knocked the bottle of milk onto the floor i would say, "not to worry. i'll grab a cloth and dustpan. i've got loads more milk/i'll pop to the shops and pick up more milk in a minute. you take a seat and i'll sort it out". freedom, peace and joy in place of anger, shame and distrust.
for me, the hardest part in all this is staying peaceful in it all rather than letting years of other programing take over on autopilot. it is hard to start questioning the 'truths' of our culture's way of doing things and then responding to what comes out of that questioning. it sets you apart and sends you off down a road less traveled.
i want to start talking about the socialisation of home ed which is something lots of home edders get asked about. i'll do that in a new post another time!
TODAY we had a BBQ, boys enjoyed playing with pots and soil and stones, creating rescue re-enactments on the earth patch, counting out sweets to meet a 25p budget, watched woodlice and ants go about their business, pulled a wriggly worm out long and discovered that it could no longer wriggle, made up songs, sang favourite songs, remembered forgotten songs, shared a favourite film with a neighbour, talked about where glass comes from and how you can make glass from sugar at home, talked about where robots come from, who makes robots, where does grass come from, and plastic and rubber and can you make plastic from olive oil - what about from chicken or noodles? then decided that olive oil, noodles and chicken couldn't make plastic but could make yummy tea. spied a bumblebee in some long grass, filled the pond with water after noticing that some tadpoles were drying out when they got stranded, set up an animal hospital for a stuffed toy, played football.
it was a good day!
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