Does my bum look big in this post?

I've been thinking about body image. a couple of weeks ago i had a body image wobble. it was the first one in a very long time and it was awful - to think i used to live my life in that state of mind. interestingly around the same time there was a lot of news coverage about the designer Mark Fast's use of size 12 and 14 models for London Fashion Week. My body image wobble came about because I bought a gorgeous dress for £5 in a charity shop and whenever I wore it I felt fab and even looking in the mirror I felt fab. But then I saw myself in some photos that my mum took and I was crushed. I look awkward, 'fat' even.

I run. Not a lot but I run. Even when it feels like I am made of lead and wading through treacle. When I was running last night I had Rage Against The Machine on my mp3 player and a lot of random thoughts in and out of my mind. I found myself reflecting on the body image thing. Quite often I feel heavy. Not because I have weighed myself (I only do this every few months when I return to my parents' house) but because my body just feels slow and heavy. It is worsened when I feel tired or if I've just eaten too much but I still find that I feel that my body doesn't want to feel this way.

But I am not fat. At least not very fat. I am the kind of weight where I actually look fairly good and other people would tell me that I look amazing if I hinted at feeling fat. But I started to wonder while I was running whether there is a 'truth' being shared in our society about weight and image that is actually a lie. But one of those clever lies that is so common-place that you don't notice it. Like the lie that we should all praise our kids because it will build their confidence and self esteem, when in fact the opposite is true. (That is another post though!)

I also know there are campaigns around to encourage women to feel good in their own skin. The Dove Campaign has done amazing things for women, and especially for blowing apart the beauty industry's portrayal of women. The video below shows just how much deception there is:



So we endeavour to accept ourselves and others as they are and as they look. We have sexualised our bodies so much that we also spend time encouraging women to feel confident in the bedroom with their curves and wobbly bits and tell women that even if they are bigger they can still wear sexy clothes. And when someone like me, who isn't particularly fat but intuitively feels 'heavy' shares this with friends the response draws the woman back to being beautiful as she is. And YES, I am beautiful as I am, and my husband adores me - in fact when I do lose a bit of weight he grieves the loss of my tummy (which faithfully follows my every move like a puppy). But I am also overweight by standard medical weight charts. But my focus is not these weight charts, not as it would have been 10 years ago. My focus is how I feel, and ten years on I find I am much more in tune with my body and this intuition leaves me feeling that I am carrying too much weight and this concurs with the BMI (body mass index) charts.



So I am finding 'truth' about my body and I am listening to my body and it is not telling me lies anymore (or at least I am not hearing lies within my body) and yet society doesn't want to hear this as truth. Society wants me to be happy and beautiful as I am. And I am these things but actually my body wants me to lose a bit of weight so it can operate with maximum efficiency and effectiveness. The extra weight I carry puts stress on joints, on my heart and lungs, and keeps me in the cycle of 'feel heavy, feel sluggish, don't get active, eat more'!

And it takes a very strong woman to turn to her friend, who just shared she feels heavy and wants to lose a few pounds, and say, "I get that. That's a healthy choice. I'll support you - what do you need?". I don't think I'm talking about situations when someone is seriously overweight, even obese, because as a society we have conceded that at that point something does need to be done. But how sad that we wait until then. I don't think we should go round to our friends who are carrying a bit of extra weight and start suggesting they should do something about it either! I think what I am talking about is this middle ground - no man's land - where we all want to be slim but we all try to keep each other buoyant and accepting of their extra weight. Because we are beautiful just as we are, but so much of that is the beauty that's on the inside which shines through a size 12 or a size 20.

I propose a third way! A way that allows a woman to find freedom with her body so that she can intuitively hear what her body is telling her about its ideal weight for optimum efficiency and productivity. This is the woman who will successfully manage all the juggling balls that she finds she's carrying in today's world, or even to allow her to run without feeling like she is made of lead, wading through treacle! And a third way as friends of women who can walk with friends through this journey and be there when the body issues come up and go through to freedom together. Because I think I may just have a few sneaky body issues lying round the corner when I do start to get back down inside my ideal weight range. And I hope my friends will walk with me rather than encourage me to prop myself up on the fence and be beautiful just as I am. I will be no more and no less beautiful when I am slimmer. But I will be healthier and going about my life without that 'heavy' feeling.