at first it was a bit weird because although it explained a lot it made me feel like a fraud - so many other people in the world who go through worse and yet they can still make a cup of tea without bursting into tears and feeling like the world might be a better place without them. then there's the people who respond to you by suggesting that they had no idea you were low or struggling and to me that's really hard because i'm there going, "i've been trying to scream from the rooftops that i can't cope and i don't really know why".
then there's the relief that has kind of settled in because i'm no longer a lunatic who's going round the bend, i'm actually responding to my body's way of doing whatever it is doing.
but the hardest thing in telling people is that most of the world has come to expect BEA to be bright, enthusiastic, excited and excitable, motivating, crazy (in a good way!), creative, organised, etc etc so when they go, "but bea, this is so unlike you" or "cheer up, i'm sure it isn't that bad", quite frankly, my dear, i just want to kick their heads in and go and crawl into a hole.
the reason i'm telling you this is because i've just read the blogs and started crying and things and although i felt out of touch and missing people, the thing that seemed to wrench out the very essence of me was the fact that i felt worthless beacuse i had sent emails out before reading blogs and some of those emails weren't relevant in light of new info and then i just thought that people would laugh at me and think i was stupid or just not bother emailing back and then i thought that i shouldn't bother with this international community because what's my role in it - i feel like i just mess things up all the time. and now the tears are blurring my sight and i can't really read the keyboard so i'm going to sign off.
i'm sorry if this is a shock to you. i felt too ashamed to go public but like derek and amy blogged, you can't get healing for something you can't admit.
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