some lovely introverted blabbing...

i am really struggling at the moment with being an apostolic visionary. it feels like a really hard thing to carry even though i let God carry it and don't stress it's always there. it's particularly hard now that people are investing in my prophetic gifting as well because i continue to feel misunderstood and one step ahead of where others are at. if i was really proud and arrogant this would be a fab thing but as it is i have had such a hard year and just really need to get healed and be loved that it just feels really hard.

it's difficult as well because SOFA was a thing into which i was totally released at first and then when i stepped on to do the coffee shop it was so hard to have that door slammed in my face. we felt it was attack although it was suggested that it might be God protecting us. then at mary and pete's beautiful wedding on saturday they read out of isaiah where God says that no attack made against you will come from him and i just felt this surge of anger about both SOFA and the coffee shop. a lot of my time leading SOFA felt like the very core of who God made me to be was being attacked ie. the visionary apostolic person who's identity is primarily as a worshipper. but due to my unique musical gifting, which really only a few others share such as caroline clifford, this is something that in the established church i'll not really be released into leading.

so i'm in this place of not leading because i need to be loved more and get better more before God can release me again to lead and therefore holding all the vision and apostolic stuff which even though i explain it to people when they ask, they never really get it. or if they do get it they don't carry the vision or the passion. and with the other apostles out there and the other visionaries out there - we all seem to carry something different and none of us are particularly pastoral so it's not like you can lament on a similar person's shoulder!!

i am cooking goose this year for Christmas - one apostolic thing which i am confident i can carry out! my Christmas cakes were, however, a disaster and all but one little one went mouldy. this was particularly gutting as i made one big one adn then eight little ones to give as presents. now we'll have the one little one that survived and those of you who might have got one as a present will go hungry!